Monthly Archives: April 2010

A serious breach of trust

We’re given the impression that we have lots of choice when it comes to giving birth, but in actual fact we can be encouraged or even bullied into something we don’t want to do or feel comfortable doing.

I thought living in London I would have more choice, but its maternity services are stretched almost to breaking point. According to the National Childbirth Trust, just over a mere 7% of women in London give birth how they want and where they want. You wonder what the point is in writing up a birth plan when it often barely gets a glance from the professionals taking care of you.

However, it surprised me to read that there is a growing number of women who are choosing to give birth at home… give birth unaided at home. A serious breach of trust has happened if women are preferring to do it alone.

Read the article.

Say my child’s name

The mention of my child’s name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring
Music to my ears.

If you are really my friend,
Let me hear the beautiful music of her name.
It soothes my broken heart
And sings to my soul.

~ Author Unknown

Things I never thought I’d do


How much is a baby’s gravestone? That’s what I’ve spent my morning searching for on the Internet.

As part of our legal action against the hospital, we have to justify all the money we’re asking for. It’s a crude and detached thing to do, and all the while our legal team are comparing our case to others; other traumatic cases but, of course, no two are the same.

We’ve spent months adding things, reducing some and not adding others because they’re not reasonable in the eyes of the law. Now the final thing is to add an approximate cost for a gravestone.

So how much does a gravestone for a baby cost? Well the answer is the same as ‘how long is a piece of string?’ It can be just a headstone or it can have kerbs (in other words be the full length of the grave site). It can include etchings, photos and statues. All of these can be standard or bespoke, in granite or marble, and how many letters do you want and in which colour? It needs a base and the cemetery has a burial ground fee, which of course differs from cemetery to cemetery.

In the end, it seems you can spend as little or as much as want. Now we just wait to see what amount our solicitor thinks is a reasonable amount.

In the natural, logical order of things, parents are not expected to outlive their children. I should not be burying my son, I should not be burying him.” ~ Father (www.uk-sands.org)

The perils of cheap fertility drugs

Are doctors not considering the long-term outcomes of fertility treatment?

Bill Ledger, Professor of Obstetrics & Gynaecology at Sheffield University, is worried about the increase of multiple births. He believes the ease in which cheap fertility drugs are being used is partly to blame. After all, conceiving one child at a time is always the best thing for both mother and baby.

Read the rest of the article on the BBC News website.

An empathetic ear

I confided in a work colleague who’s also a friend about our first IVF appointment. I’ve shared a lot with her over the years as she’s an incredibly empathetic person who has the ability to know what I need to hear. I’ve also felt honoured to share her intimate ups and downs.

Before I had gotten the chance to tell her about the consultant focusing on all the positives, she said most of them, almost word for word.

When I mentioned my concern about the extra stresses and strains going through IVF may have on Roberto and I, she reminded me how much our relationship had strengthened. That we’d been through one of the worst things life could throw at us, standing by each other and fighting together. Nothing’s going to be as difficult as what we’ve already come up against and everything we’ll face in the future, we’ll face it together.

My friend’s belief and reassurances plus the consultant’s positivity are definitely continuing to fill me with hope.

Rays of hope


I was unnecessarily stressed before our IVF consultation yesterday; unnecessarily because for me it was just a chat with the consultant. We told her what had happened with Sofia and what has happened since, then she went through our medical notes related to the other fertility treatments we’ve had.

I was surprised (in a good way) that the consultant put very little focus on my age. In fact it was only me mentioning my age. So perhaps it’s just me obsessed with this?

She pointed out all the things in our favour, like all my past tests being fine, Roberto’s too, responding well to fertility drugs and managing to get pregnant through IUI. It was good to have an expert point out these things rather than just focusing on the fact that we haven’t gotten pregnant yet.

Now I’ll have an ORT (ovarian reserve test) and we’ll decide the best course of action from there. I was surprised (especially as now we’re paying privately for treatment) that IVF will be recommended only if my ovarian reserve is borderline; if it’s good or terrible they recommend IUI because they don’t see the point in doing a procedure that’s so invasive.

All in all I came out of the appointment feeling positive and supported, and ready to keep trying.

Remembering


Go ahead and mention my child,

The one that died, you know.

Don’t worry about hurting me further.

The depth of my pain doesn’t show.

Don’t worry about making me cry.

I’m already crying inside.

Help me to heal by releasing

The tears that I try to hide.

I’m hurt when you just keep silent,

Pretending she didn’t exist.

I’d rather you mention my child,

Knowing that she has been missed.

You asked me how I was doing.

I say “pretty good” or “fine”

But healing is something ongoing,

I feel it will take a lifetime.

~ Elizabeth Dent