Agony, beyond power of speech
When the one thing you want
Is the only thing out of your reach
(Agony – Into the Woods – Sondheim)
I’ve read numerous books about trying again after you’ve lost a child. The strange thing is that they only discuss the decision to try again (how to know when you’re physically and emotionally ready) and then it seems to be taken for granted that once you’ve decided, it won’t take long to conceive. The chapter talking about how long you should wait leads straight into the chapter where you’re coping with being pregnant again. But I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s waited a long time to start reading the next chapter.
Is it too difficult a subject to include in these books? Are the authors assuming if you have problems conceiving you’ll be looking at infertility books instead and your difficulties have nothing to do with grieving for your dead child?
Initially I didn’t want to believe there was any connection with our inability to get pregnant again and my emotional state, and I hated that Roberto even hinted at it (It’s MY fault that I’m not pregnant?! You think we’d conceive if I was less stressed???). The only thing that was keeping me going was the thought of getting pregnant again, of being the mum I so desperately wanted to be. How could my body not be with me on that?
Now that I feel the worst of my depression is over, and the thick grey clouds have cleared from my perception, it seems logical that the amount of stress we’ve both been coping with could also be impacting our conceiving attempts. Of course there are other factors (unfortunately my age is one), but the impact of grief shouldn’t be underestimated, nor should it be completely ignored by authors. To ignore it is to make the people experiencing it feel as if they’re on their own.