No longer on my own

I focus a lot on trying to relax and not to stress about things, but sometimes I realise I’m working TOO hard to relax. It’s difficult finding the equilibrium. Yes, I could just let everything go, but when I’ve spent my life keeping feelings inside and believing I have to cope with everything on my own, it’s another journey in itself to achieve this.

Over the last two years of therapy I’ve had lots of lightbulbs going off – times when I become more aware of something and a little bit more about myself becomes clearer. Whenever I have one of these ‘ah!’ moments though, I also wonder why I didn’t see what has now become so clear before.

But it’s not just learning more about myself and why I am the way I am, nor is it simply about relaxing and leading a less stressful life, because both of these are still trying to do things on my own. Allowing others to support and help me is also very important. Sometimes it’s taken me a long time to realise just how much love and support I’ve had directed at me.

I’ve overcome the feeling that relying on others is a bad thing, that I should be able to cope with everything on my own. This opening up has exposed parts of me that have previously been protected behind many layers, protected in case I get hurt.

I don’t have to do everything on my own, including recovering from my labour trauma and Sofia’s death. And being able to not be stressed isn’t going to help me make that many steps down my recovery road. I do need support, but more importantly I need to be open to receiving the support that’s always been out there for me.

I’m All Alone (Spamalot)

King Arthur:
I’m all alone
(Patsy: he’s all alone)
All by myself
(Patsy: except for me)
I cannot face tomorrow
(Patsy: he cannot face it)
I’m all alone
(Patsy: Though I am here)
So all alone
(Patsy: so very near)
No one to share my sorrow

King Arthur:
But I’m alone
(Patsy: oh no you’re not!)
So all alone
(Patsy: I’m here you twat!)
All by myself
I’m all alone

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